Streak Of Bad Luck And Green Around The Gills

Newcastle Herald

Tuesday January 29, 2008

GIRL POWER AMY EDWARDS

A COUPLE of streakers, cricket, lawn bowls and a chuck-up.

Sounds like your typical Australia Day, right?

And it was . . . almost.

I was in charge of lawn bowls for Australia Day this year at a party.

Sounds simple enough? I thought so too. So I put on my straw hat, spouted a few words like "crackerjack", "burned" and "against the bias" and hung a whistle around my neck.

The bowling began well.

We had 30 minutes before I blew the whistle and another team would jump on the green. While we didn't wear whites, there was a uniform of Bonds singlets, thongs and Aussie-flag boxer shorts.

There were cheers of encouragement like "good grass" and "onya mate", all in the name of Aussie Day.

But by 4.30pm, with a few VBs in the mix, the revellers got a tad rowdy.

All of a sudden "good grass" turned into "kiss my arse" and, while nobody got violent, security did have to get a few off the turf, or should I say turps.

By 5.30pm my mission had grown murkier. My whistle-blowing was ignored, bowls were thrown diagonally across greens.

A girl tripped over and revealed she'd gone commando, a la Britney Spears, for the day.

Then a couple of lads, who were playing cricket at a venue nearby, decided every sportsman worth his salt should display the showman within.

So they jumped the bowlo fence, streaked across the bowling green and made the Britney impersonator look like an angel.

Right about then the bowls stopped and a few people were whispered sweet good night messages by security guards, followed by friendly escorts to the front gate.

Then the dancing began and the revellers settled in for a pretty well-behaved party.

I was not doing quite so well.

After having just one measly beer all day, I got a headache from the sun and all my blooming whistle-blowing and had to go home.

To make matters worse I didn't quite make the trip and was physically ill by the side of the road.

People driving past beeped and yelled out "Happy Australia Day".

I decided to retire the whistle for good, cursed the sun and thanked God the Aussie in me could still laugh at my own misfortune.

© 2008 Newcastle Herald

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